what's keith LISTENING TO?

This is how Whitney should have sung it. 

I Look To You- Glee Cast

what's keith THINKING?

*light bulb*

Today, I had an epiphany.  Well, let me start out by saying that everything is back to normal.  My mother and I have apologized.  I'm no longer in hiding.  Now, back to my epiphany.  While doing some yard work, Kenny came across my mind.  And something just said to let him go.  Just like that.  So simple, so clear.  LET HIM GO. 

And when I say, let him go, I'm not just simply talking about the relationship but everything that came with it.  Well, not everything.  For a long time now, I've blamed Kenny for many of my circumstances.  I blame Kenny for not having a car, my living situation, HIV status... the list goes on.  But, it's not his fault.  It's MY fault.  I did this. I'm to blame.  I gave up so much to be with him.  But, in the long run, I gained a lot.

Right now, I need to work on me.  It's hard but I can do it.  I have no friends and hardly any family.  No one seems to understand me.  There's no one I can talk to.  No one, really, but Kenny.  

So, Kenny, I let you go.  You are now free.  If and when you want me again, I'll be here.  Forever yours.   

what's keith DOING?

The Diary of Anne Frank Keith

Okay, so no warrant.  Just a protective order.  That Sunday night, I was forced out of the house by three police officers.  They served me my papers and ordered me not to step on the premises until the court hearing which was two days later.  What did I do?  Well, I slept in the garage.  I slept there for two nights.  I can’t believe what my life has come to.  I got tired of sleeping outside, so I broke into the house.  I’m now hiding in a basement closet as we speak.  I’ve been hiding here for about three days now.  I occasionally come out to shower and to eat when no one is in the house.  A few times, I’ve almost come close to being busted, but thankfully not yet.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.  My mother says that I can stay at her other house.  Now, she just closed the deal on buying the house a few days ago and the home is in awful shape.  She’s fixing it up so that she can sell it and make a profit.  House-flipping.  I’m a little apprehensive as there is no heat, AC, cable, or alarm system, but it’s a place to stay.  I don’t know if the offer still stands but it’s my only option. 

What a life?  I’m sure someone out there has it worse than me.  But, why me?

what's keith PRAYING FOR?

A PRAYER TO GOD

Lord, give me the strength. Lord, give me the power.  Lord, give me the will to take back my life and turn things around.  Allow me to fix the relationships that I have broken.  Allow me to rebuild the bridges that I have burned.  Allow me to get a job.  Allow me to get my own place.  Allow me to not be selfish.  To be humble, kind, and giving.  Allow me to learn my lessons and right my wrongs.  It's hard, but through you I can do anything.  And I will.  I relinquish all control. 

So be it. 

what's keith UPSET ABOUT?

WARRANT OUT FOR MY ARREST?

I just had the worst physical fight of my life.  And guess with who?  My mom.  I won't get into in full detail but let me just say that she verbally and physically attacked me first.  She then tried to pull and force me out of her house.   At that point I resisted.  Also to ad insult to injury her boyfriend was also on her side, trying to force me out of her house.  In the whole ordeal, I ended up with a huge open wound on my ear where she bit me and a bite mark on the side of my abdomen.  She ended up with a bald spot on her head where I pulled her hair out.  What a bitch.  I will take some of the blame for the situation but I believe she is the blame for the majority of the situation.  Either way, I'm just as guilty.  I'm not faulting her.

So where does that leave me?  Well, I'm in my room writing this blog with several issues on my mind.  I'm completely homeless.  My mom left the house a few hours ago with her boyfriend in tow to try to get a warrant out for my arrest.  Or so she says.  I don't know if she completely fell through with it or not.  She knows that she would end up in jail just like I would, so I really doubt that she did so.  When she gets back, I will not have a place to stay.  And after this ordeal, she has no reason to allow me to stay in her home anymore.  We have a lot of issues to work out, and me staying here is only making things worse.  This I know but I have NOWHERE ELSE TO GO.  To make things worse, it's raining as we speak.  Noone will help me.  I have no one who's willing to give me a helping hand.  I'm just at my wits end.  I should have committed suicide a long time ago.  I don't know what's stopping me.  It's easier to just check out. 

Also, no surprise, Kenny is on my mind.  I can't believe that my mom called him today and told him everything that went on.  Kenny is completely filled in on this ordeal.  And guess who looks like the crazy person?  I do.  The terrifying thing is that I'm sure Kenny also told his friends and family members.  Now granted, I haven't really met any of his friends and his family isn't really judmental.  It's just the thought of someone else knowing my business.  I'm crazy and I have a crazy life but everyone else doesn't need to know it.  However, like Kenny says, I shouldn't worry about that right now.  I should stay focussed on getting my life together.  Life is hard.  I had no idea that growing up would be this difficult.

I just got off the phone with Kenny about twenty minutes ago.  We spoke for over an hour.  He's so helpful but I don't really think he understands me.  Anyway, he listened, which is the important thing.  He doesn't have to answer the phone, but he does.  He's such an angel.  Over the course of the conversation we got on the subject of sex.  And I can't believe Kenny is having sex.  Well, it's not hard for me to believe.  I'm pretty sure he was.  Yet, it's hard hearing it from the horse's mouth.  We're not in a relationship so he's not doing anything wrong.  But it's hard to take.  I want him all to myself.  I love him (how many times can I say it).  I probably say it so much because I don't show it.  That's something I'm working on.  I believe he'll take me back.  I have to.  I don't want anyone but him and I'll die celibate and alone if he doesn't take me back.  I love me some him. 

Lord, please fix this situation.  I have no cards to play. No other options. This situation is far more than I can bear.  I'm callin out to you lord.  Take me, help me. 

I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my god.  I read the bible daily as well as pray.  I've done so for the past few months.  However, I don't really see much of a change in me.  I'm changing (don't get me wrong), but things just seem to be getting worse.  Either way, the lord has still blessed me with food on the table and a roof over my head.  So I am truly thankful and I'm not complaining.  I'm very appreciative.  I just wish things were better.  But like Kenny says, someone has it worse out there.  That's what helps keep him humble. 

Humble.  The word of the day.  Such a meaningful word.  I need to humble myself.  I really do.  When I look back on the things I've done just recently, I wish I was a little more humble.  Homelessness will make you humble.  Who needs a lesson more than I do?

In all, I love my mother.  I love Kenny.  I love Wayne.  I love my grandparents.  I love Kenneth.  And I love myself.  Love conquers all.  You have to stay positive. 

what's keith DOING?

GUESS WHO CALLED LAST NIGHT?

Kenny called last night.  Unfortunately, I had no idea at the time so I didn't speak with him.  I still have yet to call him back.  It's great to know that he's at least thinking about me.

who's keith MISSING?

Here's more pictures of Kenny.  Kenny, I can't get you out of my mind.  I miss you.  I love you.  And it hurts so much to know that you don't feel the same.  Never have I felt like this for anyone.  Never has anyone brought me to tears with the thought of losing him.  I know you're online looking for your next bootycall boyfriend.  But I'm coming for you.  Just wait and see. 

Kenny has told me to only call him once a week.  It's been a week since I last spoke with him.  I'm hesitant to call him because I don't want to just be tolerated.  I want to be loved.  I don't think I'll call him until I get a job.  Hopefully, that's pretty soon because it gets harder everyday not speaking with my husband. 

If you're wondering.  I believe the first picture was taken at IHOP shortly after we picked up his car from the impound lot.  The last two pictures were taken during a date night.  We had just saw The Perfect Getaway and were getting a bite to eat at Papermoon here in Baltimore.  He was so in love with me then.  Those were the good ol' days. 

what's keith WATCHING?

Ciara "Speechless"



Kenny, this one is for you.  I miss you.

what's keith UPSET ABOUT?

Are you anorexic?

Guess who asked?  My mom.  She just thought she would ask after watching an episode of Dr. Phil.  Are you serious?  Never have I had an eating disorder.  If you ask me, I think she is jealous.  Just because the rest of the family is overweight and clinically obese, I should be also.  She says she's just being concerned, but I think she's just being an asshole.  Never have I given her a reason to believe that I have an eating disorder.  I'm 5' 10" and 160lbs.  Even if I were 20lbs. lighter I would still be a healthy weight.  Yeah, I work out everyday.  And no, I don't really watch what I eat.  I'm naturally skinny.  She seems to think I'm starving myself.  Mom, get a clue.

More  interesting stories from this jealous bitch are sure to come.  Stay tuned.

who's keith THINKING ABOUT?

MEET KENNY



This is Kenny (not his real name).  I met him in June of 2009 on craigslist.  I was up one late night looking for a bootycall and he responded to my ad.  So he came by my house, we had sex about three times, and have been inseperable ever since (until now). 

A little bit about Kenny.  He's 33 (his birthdate is exactly 10 years and 5 days from my birthdate).  HIV+. War Veteran.  Adpoted father.  Animal lover- especially dogs.  And most importantly- my HUSBAND (but he doesn't know it yet).

We fell hard for each other so fast.  He moved in with me shortly thereafter.  To be honest, I really don’t know why I even gave him a chance.  He’s average, at best.  Overweight.   Missing/yellow teeth.  Unintelligent.  Smelly.  But, when you fall, you fall.  And even with all of his flaws, I am in love with him. 

To make a long story short, our relationship began to deteriorate early this year.  After several fights and arguments, I think he just checked out.  We no longer did anything together like we used to.  He would rather go out with his friends than spend time with me. 

Now, when it comes to the breakup, I truly believe that I am to blame.  He has done so much for me.  From feeding me when I didn’t have any money to clothing me when I didn’t have any money.  I think you’re catching on.  I DIDN’T HAVE ANY MONEY.  This past year has been tough for me financially and emotionally.  I was collecting unemployment and I was prostituting to help make ends meet.  Shortly after establishing our romantic relationship, I gave up prostitution.  So essentially, I couldn’t pay my bills.  My credit card bills fell behind.  I couldn’t afford my car note or car insurance.  Kenny helped me a lot, but most importantly, I didn’t help myself.  Did I look for a job?  Not really.

Kenny is the least judge-mental person I have ever met.  Even with all of my baggage, he still loved me and didn’t look at me any different.  I would soon find out it was only because he had heavy bags of his own. 

Around April, I was doing some snooping.  I’m a big snooper.  I'm working on it.  I think I get it from my mother.  She is extremely nosy.  I was going through his book bag and I stumbled upon a letter from his doctor.  It turned out that Kenny was positive for HIV.  When I first read the doctor’s referral, I began to shake uncontrollably as I do when I get nervous.  I couldn’t believe it.  He never once told me he was positive.  Even during the beginning of our relationship, we had several conversations about STD’s.  He said he only ever had one STD and it was during his youth.  I believe he said he contracted crabs.  He lied.  The worst part is that we were having unprotected sex since day one.  I loved it when he would cum in my ass, but I thought he was clean. 

How could he?  He says he thought I was positive, but I’ve never tested positive.  In fact, I’ve only been tested once and that was about five years ago.  He assumed that since I was in a prior relationship with Lance Coadie Williams (google him) who is also positive that I had contracted it.  And I’m not saying that I wasn’t.  I’ve had my share of unprotected sex.  The statistics are alarming.  One in five gay/bisexual men and one in two black gay/bisexual men are infected with the virus.  However, the difference is that he knew he was positive and didn’t inform me, which is a crime in the state of Maryland.  I don’t fully put the blame on him.  I chose to participate in unprotected sex with him.  However, this situation lets me know what kind of person he really is.

So, I became mad.  I began to poison his dogs.  I fed them onions and pain killers.  (And let me just say that it didn’t work.  The dogs are okay.)  I also began to throw away his clothes and shoes.  I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me. 

He claims his family knows that he is living with HIV, however I don’t believe him.  He says he has been living with the disease since 2001 and his condition won’t get any worse unless he acquires a super-infection.  Again, I don’t believe him.  He also claims that he told me that he was positive.  Again, another lie.  I’ve come to realize that he is as big a liar as I am. 

So, am I positive?  I don’t know.  I’m too afraid to get tested.  I have no health insurance.  If and when I find out the bad news, how can I seek treatment?   I can’t afford it.  I don’t care for my life anymore.  Even after finding out his HIV status I continued to have unprotected sex with him.  I just assume that I am a statistic now.  Why use protection now?  Nut in my ass and my mouth turns me on.  It’s what I want.  I fantasize about it when I masturbate.  Why not kill myself slowly while having fun? 

I’ve contemplated suicide so many times, yet I haven’t had the guts to do it.  The only thing keeping me off the edge is Kenny.  I love him with all my heart, even with all of this drama.  I’ve realized that I’ve hurt him just as much as he hurt me and that I’ve hurt myself just as much as he hurt me. 

So, where does that leave us?  Kenny and I are no longer together.  I can’t believe with all that we’ve been through, we are no longer an item.  The only thing that keeps me going is hope for that day that he’ll take me back.  He doesn’t even want to take my phone calls anymore.  He wants to move on but I won’t let him.  Call me selfish.   I don’t care.  It’s the truth.  He’s living with his sister and I’m living back home with my mother.  (That’s another story for another time.)  He says that he doesn’t really want to hear from me until I get a job or enroll in school.  I no longer spark his interest.  He doesn’t care for me anymore. 

So, I’m working on getting a job.  I’m still unemployed, however, I’m working harder more now than ever to seek employment.  Soon, I’ll be able to sweep my HUSBAND off of his feet and soon I’ll have a job and car.  The thought of Kenny being with someone else romantically or sexually is killing me.  Even though I’m pretty sure he’s been having an affair as early as the top of the year.  I’m afraid that he’ll find someone better.  I’m not satisfied unless I can have him.  I don’t see myself with anyone else.

Kenny, I will always love you.