what's keith THANKFUL FOR?

Sometimes I forget how truly lucky I am.  So for each day in November, I will dedicate a post expressing what I'm thankful for.  With all of life's ups and down, you truly forget how beautiful life really is.  And it's time for me to start noticing.

what's keith THINKING ABOUT?

They say if you love something, let it go.  And if it comes back, that's how you know it's yours.  But I ask.  Who has the time or the patience?  I'm talking about love and finding your soul mate.  Maybe I should see a psychic and see if Kenny and I are really made for each other.

I have not had sex with anyone besides Kenny since August of 2009.  I pride myself in never cheating on Kenny.  Too bad, I can't say the same for him.  He's going around spreading his toxic kids all around town.  I have no desire to be with or have sex with any person other than Kenny.  I'm sure all of that will change once I start to have sexual encounters with other people.  Look at how quickly Kenny has gotten over me.  I'm still young and sex is a necessity.  I already masturbate several times a day. 

It's been about two months since Kenny and have had sex.  And I refuse to bend over for him again until we are in a loving, monogamous relationship that leads to marriage.  Is that too much to ask?  For Kenny, I think so.

what's keith THINKING?

Should I give Kenny the link to my blog?   I mean, if I plan on being with him, he's going to find out sooner or later.  And considering he's pretty much the topic of most of my blog, I think I should inform him.  But I'm thinking that I shouldn't because this is my personal diary. 

Also, would he be okay with the fact that I'm displaying a lot of his personal information?  Would he be mad at me?  Would this tear us apart any further?  I'm only telling the truth.  I doubt anyone would ever recognize him.  As you can tell, I only talk about Kenny because he is the only one in my life worth talking about.  I have no friends.  I do nothing but sit at home all day.  I know.  That's pretty sad.  Hopefully, I'll have a job soon and won't have time to post daily. 

 Yet, I don't know.  I'll let him know eventually, but not now. 

what's keith CONFESSING?

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is keith PAINTING?

MY PUSSY SMELLS LIKE ROSES, BITCH!  It really does.  Yeah right.  But does any ones?  Kenny likes to call me shitty.  Meaning that I'm a painter.  However, I've rarely been an artist, if you know what I mean.  Trust me, I'm not as shitty as some of his last ho's.  No one cleans himself as often as I do.  No one.  It's hard work being a bottom.  Trust me, if Kenny was a bottom, he would stay shitty.  Enough said. 

what's keith DOING?

It's official.  Keith is now on food stamps.  I never thought I would ever say that in my lifetime.  Anyways, I just received my EBT card in the mail today.  Yay!  I'm finally benefiting from all those taxes I've paid since I was 14 years old.  Fuck Bush!

Speaking of Bush, the elections are coming up and I think for the first time, I'm going to vote Republican.  These last two years have sucked for me and guess who was in office?  Governor Martin O'Malley.  Now he's not to blame for all of my issues, however, I think it's time for someone new.  Plus, I don't like the way O'Malley has addressed certain situations.  When Ehrlich was in office four years ago, I was on the top of the world.  So, Ehrlich has my vote.  Although, Ehrlich disagrees with gay marriage.  I don't know. I'm just thinking outloud.  I think I'll vote for him anyways.  That's if I do decide to vote this year. 

I also applied to get a free cell phone.  Wow.  I'm really capitalizing on my lazy ass.  It's about time I get some type of government assistance. 

what's keith MAD ABOUT?

Oh No!  My left eye is swollen.  What the fuck?  You probably couldn't tell unless I pointed it out.  But still, I can tell.  I think it might be due to a new eye cream that I'm trying out.  I'm taking it right back to Target today.  What eye cream, you might ask?  Roc Retinol Correxion Eye Cream.  This has never happenned before and I'm an avid user of Roc's products. 

What the hell?  It seems like my skin is becoming more and more sensitive.  I also keep breaking out with pimples and I have no idea what is causing it.  My skin used to be adorable up until the top of the year.  Now, I hate my skin and I have several acne scars.  I hope my skin gets its act together soon because I am getting fed up.  For real. 

what's keith LISTENING TO?

What's My Name by Rihanna featuing Drake is my new favorite song.  And I have no idea why I like the song.  I'll admit that I didn't like the song at first, but now, it's stuck in my head.  This song has litterally been playing on repeat on my itunes.  I would have played the song 34 times, once I finish this post.  And let's not mention the many times I've played the song on my iphone. 

Oh Na Na, what's my name?

what's keith EXCITED ABOUT?

I HAVE THE HOUSE TO MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To start things off, I am excited to announce that I have the house to myself.  My mother went down to Atlanta to celebrate Morehouse College's homecoming with my brother.  My brother is a sophomore at Morehouse majoring in psychology, if I'm not mistaken.   She left Thursday evening and will be back on Tuesday.  This weekend is going to be a stay-cation.  There's no one here to call my name every hour.  And I don't have to make up my bed.  How sweet is that?

Also, I've been driving Wayne's truck around town running errands.  But don't tell anyone.  I'm not supposed to.  Wayne is my mother's boyfriend.  Today, I went to the dollar store and Target.  I'm stocking up on all of my personal items and food since I don't have a car right now. 

Speaking of food, I was approved for food stamps.  I never thought I would see the day when I, Keith, would be on food stamps.  I should receive my card within a couple of days.  My mother will be excited to hear that.  I should receive $200 a month.  So I won't be going hungry, right?

To end things off, of course, I have to mention Kenny.  He called me on Wednesday.  We barely spoke.  He said he was just calling to check on me. And the last thing he said was talk to you another time.  Another time?  Who says that. Another time means whenever he's not boo-loving some other dude.  I guess we are so done.  And I'm okay with that for now.  At least he still calls.  Look at it on the bright side.  He doesn't have to call me.  I don't call him.  I told myself that I won't call Kenny until I get myself together.  Who knows how long that will be?  Hopefully, soon. 

what's keith WEARING?

MAKEUP MAKEUP MAKEUP!  I (HEART) MAKEUP!

I love makeup.  What more can I say.  The fact that I wear makeup has been under scrutiny from my mother.  Everyone else in my life simply doesn't care about my cosmetic regime but my mother has a different opinion.  And she makes a clear and precise expression.  She doesn't think men should wear makeup and she goes into some stupid rage whenever I decide to wear it.  I personally think it's stupid to get so upset over something that I decide to put on my face and wash off at night.  However, she disagrees. 

To start off, I don't wear makeup to turn into something that I'm not.  Or to look totally different.  Or for someone else.  I wear it simply to enhance my beauty.  I look totally fine without it.  I have some acne and hyperpigmentation, but nothing I can't bear to be seen without.  Many people even ask the question, you don't need it, so why do you wear it?  Well, the answer is simple.  It's my freedom of expression.  I especially love to enhance my eyes.  Eyeliner is my drug of choice.  I love to wear guyliner in a variety of colors. 

I've only been wearing makeup for the last couple of years.  And there are no signs of me stopping my routine.  Yet, while I'm living in my mother's house, I can no longer wear it.  She claims she doesn't want it in her house, even though I sneak and wear it anyhow.  She barely notices.  And when she does, let's just say I'm outside, locked out of the house. 

My mother recently told me that having a gay son is like every parents worst nightmare.  And wearing makeup only makes that nightmare worse.  She's also told me that she's embarrassed to be seen with me.  More so, she's embarrassed by me in general.  She's also expressed that she doesn't care for me.  She would rather that I am out of sight, out of mind, as she says. And you know what I say.  Fuck you.

Having a gay son is a nightmare.  Are you kidding me?.  How about having a retarded son might be a nightmare.  As long as I'm still here, able to breathe, think, talk,
speak without any help, she should be thankful no matter how I decide to express myself.  There are many parents out there that have lost their children or their child is basically a vegetable.  Many parents have it worse and their not looking at the situation like it's a nightmare.  But according to my mom, I'm a nightmare.  Again, fuck you bitch.

As a side note, my mother is really one of the worst people that I know.  On the surface, she seems like a nice person, but the people close to her know the real deal.  She is a crazy, conniving, selfish, insecure, lonely bitch.  She doesn't have many friends.  She's a loner, like me.  I'm not holding that against her, but the reason she doesn't have any friends is because of her attitude.  She fights with everyone close to her except for her mother.  And that's because her mother is a people-pleaser.  She'll sidenote with whatever my mom tells her.  It's almost as if she condones her attitude. 

My mother is not much to look at.  She has saggy, facial skin.  Large pores.  Droopy eyes.  Extremely bad acne, even for her age.  And she has the audacity to always comment on my skin or what I have on my face.  She also obsesses over my weight because she's a fat ass like her mom.  She claims she's only trying to give advice.  But I will never accept advice from her on the topic of skin, makeup, or relationships.  Her skin has always looked like utter shit.  Her makeup has always been cakey and a clusterfuck mess.  And she has never had a healthy relationship.  In fact, she's been in two abusive relationships and to add insult, none of her relationships ended on a high note. 

Shit.  If anyone should be embarrassed, it damn sure should be myself.  And everyday that I stay here I'm living in my worst nightmare.  She lives by herself for a reason, not by choice. 

Maybe I'm born with it, Maybe it's Maybelline!

what's keith WATCHING?

The Oprah Show: Farewell Season

The Oprah Show is one of my guilty pleasures.  Too bad this is her last season.  Today, Tyler Perry was a guest on her show and he spoke of his traumatic childhood experiences including abuse, neglect, and molestation.  While he was sharing his story, he said something that stuck with me. The same strength that it took to take it [abuse], is the same amount of strength that it takes to let it go.  And Perry couldn't be more right.  I need to forgive my mother for everything that she has done to me.  I need to forgive Kenny for everything that he has done to me.  I need to forgive everyone in my life and just let it go.  It can't be done in one day.  I understand that it is a process.  But I'll get there in due time.  I believe that I must learn how to forgive in order to truly have satisfaction in my life.  I can't stay mad at everyone for my circumstances.  I can't point my finger.  I can't continue to play the victim.  I somehow played a roll in everything that has happened in my life.  

Anger is good.  Bitterness is not.  And I can say that I am very bitter.  I'm mad at the world right now.  I don't think I deserve some of my circumstances.  But, you know what?  Somebody out there has it worse.  Somebody out there didn't wake up this morning.  I'm still here.  And I need to go on with life.  I'm not happy or content with my life at this point, but I'll get there sooner than later.  It's a process.



what's keith MASTURBATING TO?

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.  I think you're catching on. I love raw sex. During my first several sexual encounters, I was very adamant about having safe sex.  However, during the past couple of years that philosophy has gone out the window.  I've become sexually adventurous.  It's probably because I no longer have the self-esteem and/or value my life like I did a few years ago.  And lets not forget to mention that I'm probably sick (as in HIV+).  My last two boyfriends have AIDS and we never used protection.  They also failed to inform me.  I had to find out by snooping on them.  Now granted Lance was on antiviral drugs so he might not have infected me.  However, Kenny is not.  He is highly contagious. 

 I've come to believe that being gay and HIV+ are inevitable.  It's going to happen if not sooner than later if you are sexually active.  I'm more than likely a statistic.  I have still neglected to get tested because I already know the results.  I have to be positive.   

What I don't know can't hurt me?  Yeah right. 

what's keith LOOKING AT?

Another Picture of Kenny



When will my obsession end?

I don't even get why I obsess over him.  He's average at best.  I can hear my mother telling me that I can do better.  But no one knows me like he does.  And I don't think any one ever will.  That in itself is enough to keep me interested in him.

It's been a week since I've last spoken with him.  The last thing he said to me was give me a call later.  I haven't called.  I was expecting him to call me last night but no luck.  I just feel a little bit of hesitation with calling because his friends and family want him to leave me alone. And I don't blame them. 

what's keith DOING?

Why am I such a procrastinator?   It’s starting to get really annoying.  I feel like I can’t attain anything because I keep putting it off.  I don’t understand why I do it. Case in point, on Thursday my mother called and informed me that Hyatt called and wanted to schedule an interview.  It’s now Monday and I have still not called to schedule.  And I really need the job.  This is not the first time I’ve done so.  I think I procrastinate because I don’t want to be put in an awkward situation.  I 'm starting to realize that I dislike change even though I’m longing for change in my life. I disgust myself. 

Oh and let’s not forget I’m a big liar.  I told my mom and grandmother that my interview was today at 4pm.  Yeah right.  I just now lied and told them that I rescheduled for Wednesday at noon.  Give me a break.  I’m a huge liar.  I need to work on that.  But it’s easier to lie than to tell the truth.  How do I explain that I didn’t schedule the interview?  And I have no excuse for not doing so.  I don’t get it.  I’m complicated.  Another story of my life…  To Be Continued.

what's keith DOING?

SO MUCH WENT ON TODAY.....

Okay.  So today started extremely early.  Well for me it was pretty early for a Sunday morning.  My mom woke me up at about 6:15am for church.  I'm a member of New Psalmist Baptist Church and we just built a new building.  So, we attended the first church service at our new church home.  The church looks pretty good.  However, it's a little bit of a drive considering the old church was just a five minute drive.  Anyhow, church service was very good.  I took away the fact that sometimes the lord has to take away something or someone, so that I can grow and learn how to do things on my own.  And by doing things on my own, I gain an appreciation for myself.

After church, the drama ensued.  My mom threw a Football party.  It was very much a success.  Everyone had a good time including myself.  My mom and I had a fight earlier but we eventually got over it.  Of course, we argued.  Nothing new.  But today, I realized I might have a little bit of an attitude problem.  We wouldn't have argued if I wasn't giving her an attitude.  However, in my defense, it was early in the morning and I don't like being bothered.  To put the icing on the cake, my mom is very much an affectionate type of person.  She walks around hitting me playfully, either on the head or arm.  She'll ask me how I'm doing constantly.  I know it sounds like I'm complaining for no reason, but it can just be so annoying.  Especially when you'd rather be by yourself.  I don't know.  I might be reaching.  I should be able to take a little bit of her annoying tendencies since I'm living with her rent-free.  I really miss living on my own. 

I neglected to mention that my grandmother is here.  She's visiting from Florida.  She leaves tomorrow. She's been here for a week now.  I really do miss her.  She's almost like a ray of sunshine.  I love her.  I feel a little bad since I haven't spoken to her for over a year, but she looks at me no different.  She still loves me and wants me to do well in life.  I'm starting to realize that I really do have a support system in my family. Thank goodness I have a family who loves me.  We fight and bicker but I'm extremely appreciative.  I never thought I would say that.  It's so true.

Going back to the church sermon....  I felt like the Pastor Thomas was speaking right to me.  I have to accept change in my life.  Yeah, I want Kenny but he doesn't want me.  And I have to let go.  The lord has to take him away for awhile or indefinitely.  Who knows?  And I'm starting to be okay with that.  

I just feel an intense connection with Kenny because he knows me for who I truly am.  No one in my life knows me like he does.  And even while he knows how crazy, mean, and evil I can be, he doesn't look at me any different.  I've never come across anyone like him.  And I don't think I will ever find anyone I can open up to much like I've opened up to Kenny.  There's not really a thing in the world I don't mind talking to him about.  I really do feel like Kenny is my other half.  My soul mate.  I would be the happiest person in the world if I could fall asleep and wake up to him everyday.  The crazy thing is that I had him.  I fucked it up and I lost him.  But I want him back.  I'm so very determined to have him back.  Hopefully, he takes me back.  We'll see. 

what's keith WATCHING?



The Blind Side is an excellent movie.  I wish my mother was more like Leigh Ann and I wish I was more like Michael.  In fact, I dream of being Leigh Ann one day and having a supportive husband much like hers. 

Kenny is very supportive.  He helps anyone and everyone.  Too bad I fucked it up.  I think he would still be with me if it wasn't for my actions.  Anyhow, hopefully Kenny and I elope one day and have our own Michael.  Fingers crossed. 

what's keith MASTURBATING TO?

MY GUILTY PLEASURE

I have watched this XTUBE VIDEO about a dozen times now.  Yeah, I love to masturbate and I do it everyday.

what's keith WATCHING?

I just finished watching this amazing movie.  I was actually shocked by how well the movie was.  The actors really surprised me.  This is definitely a must-see.  Phylicia Rashad, Sean Combes, and Sanaa Lathan did a fantastic job.  I remember being forced to read the play back in high school for summer reading.  I loved the play and the movie did not upset. 

The message of the play is powerful.  You must always stay close with family.  The message really drove home for me because I have neglected my family for the past two years.  I'm now trying to repair my relationship with my family.  I've learned no matter how mad you might get with someone, you shouldn't hold a grudge and not speak with him.  True, there is a lot of hurt and pain behind the scenes, but there's no excuse for not talking with my family for a year.  No excuse.  I regret that decision.  And it sucks because I tried living on my own and I fell flat on my face.  And who was there to help?  My family (with a little resistance).

what's keith LISTENING TO?

This is how Whitney should have sung it. 

I Look To You- Glee Cast

what's keith THINKING?

*light bulb*

Today, I had an epiphany.  Well, let me start out by saying that everything is back to normal.  My mother and I have apologized.  I'm no longer in hiding.  Now, back to my epiphany.  While doing some yard work, Kenny came across my mind.  And something just said to let him go.  Just like that.  So simple, so clear.  LET HIM GO. 

And when I say, let him go, I'm not just simply talking about the relationship but everything that came with it.  Well, not everything.  For a long time now, I've blamed Kenny for many of my circumstances.  I blame Kenny for not having a car, my living situation, HIV status... the list goes on.  But, it's not his fault.  It's MY fault.  I did this. I'm to blame.  I gave up so much to be with him.  But, in the long run, I gained a lot.

Right now, I need to work on me.  It's hard but I can do it.  I have no friends and hardly any family.  No one seems to understand me.  There's no one I can talk to.  No one, really, but Kenny.  

So, Kenny, I let you go.  You are now free.  If and when you want me again, I'll be here.  Forever yours.   

what's keith DOING?

The Diary of Anne Frank Keith

Okay, so no warrant.  Just a protective order.  That Sunday night, I was forced out of the house by three police officers.  They served me my papers and ordered me not to step on the premises until the court hearing which was two days later.  What did I do?  Well, I slept in the garage.  I slept there for two nights.  I can’t believe what my life has come to.  I got tired of sleeping outside, so I broke into the house.  I’m now hiding in a basement closet as we speak.  I’ve been hiding here for about three days now.  I occasionally come out to shower and to eat when no one is in the house.  A few times, I’ve almost come close to being busted, but thankfully not yet.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.  My mother says that I can stay at her other house.  Now, she just closed the deal on buying the house a few days ago and the home is in awful shape.  She’s fixing it up so that she can sell it and make a profit.  House-flipping.  I’m a little apprehensive as there is no heat, AC, cable, or alarm system, but it’s a place to stay.  I don’t know if the offer still stands but it’s my only option. 

What a life?  I’m sure someone out there has it worse than me.  But, why me?

what's keith PRAYING FOR?

A PRAYER TO GOD

Lord, give me the strength. Lord, give me the power.  Lord, give me the will to take back my life and turn things around.  Allow me to fix the relationships that I have broken.  Allow me to rebuild the bridges that I have burned.  Allow me to get a job.  Allow me to get my own place.  Allow me to not be selfish.  To be humble, kind, and giving.  Allow me to learn my lessons and right my wrongs.  It's hard, but through you I can do anything.  And I will.  I relinquish all control. 

So be it. 

what's keith UPSET ABOUT?

WARRANT OUT FOR MY ARREST?

I just had the worst physical fight of my life.  And guess with who?  My mom.  I won't get into in full detail but let me just say that she verbally and physically attacked me first.  She then tried to pull and force me out of her house.   At that point I resisted.  Also to ad insult to injury her boyfriend was also on her side, trying to force me out of her house.  In the whole ordeal, I ended up with a huge open wound on my ear where she bit me and a bite mark on the side of my abdomen.  She ended up with a bald spot on her head where I pulled her hair out.  What a bitch.  I will take some of the blame for the situation but I believe she is the blame for the majority of the situation.  Either way, I'm just as guilty.  I'm not faulting her.

So where does that leave me?  Well, I'm in my room writing this blog with several issues on my mind.  I'm completely homeless.  My mom left the house a few hours ago with her boyfriend in tow to try to get a warrant out for my arrest.  Or so she says.  I don't know if she completely fell through with it or not.  She knows that she would end up in jail just like I would, so I really doubt that she did so.  When she gets back, I will not have a place to stay.  And after this ordeal, she has no reason to allow me to stay in her home anymore.  We have a lot of issues to work out, and me staying here is only making things worse.  This I know but I have NOWHERE ELSE TO GO.  To make things worse, it's raining as we speak.  Noone will help me.  I have no one who's willing to give me a helping hand.  I'm just at my wits end.  I should have committed suicide a long time ago.  I don't know what's stopping me.  It's easier to just check out. 

Also, no surprise, Kenny is on my mind.  I can't believe that my mom called him today and told him everything that went on.  Kenny is completely filled in on this ordeal.  And guess who looks like the crazy person?  I do.  The terrifying thing is that I'm sure Kenny also told his friends and family members.  Now granted, I haven't really met any of his friends and his family isn't really judmental.  It's just the thought of someone else knowing my business.  I'm crazy and I have a crazy life but everyone else doesn't need to know it.  However, like Kenny says, I shouldn't worry about that right now.  I should stay focussed on getting my life together.  Life is hard.  I had no idea that growing up would be this difficult.

I just got off the phone with Kenny about twenty minutes ago.  We spoke for over an hour.  He's so helpful but I don't really think he understands me.  Anyway, he listened, which is the important thing.  He doesn't have to answer the phone, but he does.  He's such an angel.  Over the course of the conversation we got on the subject of sex.  And I can't believe Kenny is having sex.  Well, it's not hard for me to believe.  I'm pretty sure he was.  Yet, it's hard hearing it from the horse's mouth.  We're not in a relationship so he's not doing anything wrong.  But it's hard to take.  I want him all to myself.  I love him (how many times can I say it).  I probably say it so much because I don't show it.  That's something I'm working on.  I believe he'll take me back.  I have to.  I don't want anyone but him and I'll die celibate and alone if he doesn't take me back.  I love me some him. 

Lord, please fix this situation.  I have no cards to play. No other options. This situation is far more than I can bear.  I'm callin out to you lord.  Take me, help me. 

I have been trying to rebuild my relationship with my god.  I read the bible daily as well as pray.  I've done so for the past few months.  However, I don't really see much of a change in me.  I'm changing (don't get me wrong), but things just seem to be getting worse.  Either way, the lord has still blessed me with food on the table and a roof over my head.  So I am truly thankful and I'm not complaining.  I'm very appreciative.  I just wish things were better.  But like Kenny says, someone has it worse out there.  That's what helps keep him humble. 

Humble.  The word of the day.  Such a meaningful word.  I need to humble myself.  I really do.  When I look back on the things I've done just recently, I wish I was a little more humble.  Homelessness will make you humble.  Who needs a lesson more than I do?

In all, I love my mother.  I love Kenny.  I love Wayne.  I love my grandparents.  I love Kenneth.  And I love myself.  Love conquers all.  You have to stay positive. 

what's keith DOING?

GUESS WHO CALLED LAST NIGHT?

Kenny called last night.  Unfortunately, I had no idea at the time so I didn't speak with him.  I still have yet to call him back.  It's great to know that he's at least thinking about me.

who's keith MISSING?

Here's more pictures of Kenny.  Kenny, I can't get you out of my mind.  I miss you.  I love you.  And it hurts so much to know that you don't feel the same.  Never have I felt like this for anyone.  Never has anyone brought me to tears with the thought of losing him.  I know you're online looking for your next bootycall boyfriend.  But I'm coming for you.  Just wait and see. 

Kenny has told me to only call him once a week.  It's been a week since I last spoke with him.  I'm hesitant to call him because I don't want to just be tolerated.  I want to be loved.  I don't think I'll call him until I get a job.  Hopefully, that's pretty soon because it gets harder everyday not speaking with my husband. 

If you're wondering.  I believe the first picture was taken at IHOP shortly after we picked up his car from the impound lot.  The last two pictures were taken during a date night.  We had just saw The Perfect Getaway and were getting a bite to eat at Papermoon here in Baltimore.  He was so in love with me then.  Those were the good ol' days. 

what's keith WATCHING?

Ciara "Speechless"



Kenny, this one is for you.  I miss you.

what's keith UPSET ABOUT?

Are you anorexic?

Guess who asked?  My mom.  She just thought she would ask after watching an episode of Dr. Phil.  Are you serious?  Never have I had an eating disorder.  If you ask me, I think she is jealous.  Just because the rest of the family is overweight and clinically obese, I should be also.  She says she's just being concerned, but I think she's just being an asshole.  Never have I given her a reason to believe that I have an eating disorder.  I'm 5' 10" and 160lbs.  Even if I were 20lbs. lighter I would still be a healthy weight.  Yeah, I work out everyday.  And no, I don't really watch what I eat.  I'm naturally skinny.  She seems to think I'm starving myself.  Mom, get a clue.

More  interesting stories from this jealous bitch are sure to come.  Stay tuned.

who's keith THINKING ABOUT?

MEET KENNY



This is Kenny (not his real name).  I met him in June of 2009 on craigslist.  I was up one late night looking for a bootycall and he responded to my ad.  So he came by my house, we had sex about three times, and have been inseperable ever since (until now). 

A little bit about Kenny.  He's 33 (his birthdate is exactly 10 years and 5 days from my birthdate).  HIV+. War Veteran.  Adpoted father.  Animal lover- especially dogs.  And most importantly- my HUSBAND (but he doesn't know it yet).

We fell hard for each other so fast.  He moved in with me shortly thereafter.  To be honest, I really don’t know why I even gave him a chance.  He’s average, at best.  Overweight.   Missing/yellow teeth.  Unintelligent.  Smelly.  But, when you fall, you fall.  And even with all of his flaws, I am in love with him. 

To make a long story short, our relationship began to deteriorate early this year.  After several fights and arguments, I think he just checked out.  We no longer did anything together like we used to.  He would rather go out with his friends than spend time with me. 

Now, when it comes to the breakup, I truly believe that I am to blame.  He has done so much for me.  From feeding me when I didn’t have any money to clothing me when I didn’t have any money.  I think you’re catching on.  I DIDN’T HAVE ANY MONEY.  This past year has been tough for me financially and emotionally.  I was collecting unemployment and I was prostituting to help make ends meet.  Shortly after establishing our romantic relationship, I gave up prostitution.  So essentially, I couldn’t pay my bills.  My credit card bills fell behind.  I couldn’t afford my car note or car insurance.  Kenny helped me a lot, but most importantly, I didn’t help myself.  Did I look for a job?  Not really.

Kenny is the least judge-mental person I have ever met.  Even with all of my baggage, he still loved me and didn’t look at me any different.  I would soon find out it was only because he had heavy bags of his own. 

Around April, I was doing some snooping.  I’m a big snooper.  I'm working on it.  I think I get it from my mother.  She is extremely nosy.  I was going through his book bag and I stumbled upon a letter from his doctor.  It turned out that Kenny was positive for HIV.  When I first read the doctor’s referral, I began to shake uncontrollably as I do when I get nervous.  I couldn’t believe it.  He never once told me he was positive.  Even during the beginning of our relationship, we had several conversations about STD’s.  He said he only ever had one STD and it was during his youth.  I believe he said he contracted crabs.  He lied.  The worst part is that we were having unprotected sex since day one.  I loved it when he would cum in my ass, but I thought he was clean. 

How could he?  He says he thought I was positive, but I’ve never tested positive.  In fact, I’ve only been tested once and that was about five years ago.  He assumed that since I was in a prior relationship with Lance Coadie Williams (google him) who is also positive that I had contracted it.  And I’m not saying that I wasn’t.  I’ve had my share of unprotected sex.  The statistics are alarming.  One in five gay/bisexual men and one in two black gay/bisexual men are infected with the virus.  However, the difference is that he knew he was positive and didn’t inform me, which is a crime in the state of Maryland.  I don’t fully put the blame on him.  I chose to participate in unprotected sex with him.  However, this situation lets me know what kind of person he really is.

So, I became mad.  I began to poison his dogs.  I fed them onions and pain killers.  (And let me just say that it didn’t work.  The dogs are okay.)  I also began to throw away his clothes and shoes.  I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me. 

He claims his family knows that he is living with HIV, however I don’t believe him.  He says he has been living with the disease since 2001 and his condition won’t get any worse unless he acquires a super-infection.  Again, I don’t believe him.  He also claims that he told me that he was positive.  Again, another lie.  I’ve come to realize that he is as big a liar as I am. 

So, am I positive?  I don’t know.  I’m too afraid to get tested.  I have no health insurance.  If and when I find out the bad news, how can I seek treatment?   I can’t afford it.  I don’t care for my life anymore.  Even after finding out his HIV status I continued to have unprotected sex with him.  I just assume that I am a statistic now.  Why use protection now?  Nut in my ass and my mouth turns me on.  It’s what I want.  I fantasize about it when I masturbate.  Why not kill myself slowly while having fun? 

I’ve contemplated suicide so many times, yet I haven’t had the guts to do it.  The only thing keeping me off the edge is Kenny.  I love him with all my heart, even with all of this drama.  I’ve realized that I’ve hurt him just as much as he hurt me and that I’ve hurt myself just as much as he hurt me. 

So, where does that leave us?  Kenny and I are no longer together.  I can’t believe with all that we’ve been through, we are no longer an item.  The only thing that keeps me going is hope for that day that he’ll take me back.  He doesn’t even want to take my phone calls anymore.  He wants to move on but I won’t let him.  Call me selfish.   I don’t care.  It’s the truth.  He’s living with his sister and I’m living back home with my mother.  (That’s another story for another time.)  He says that he doesn’t really want to hear from me until I get a job or enroll in school.  I no longer spark his interest.  He doesn’t care for me anymore. 

So, I’m working on getting a job.  I’m still unemployed, however, I’m working harder more now than ever to seek employment.  Soon, I’ll be able to sweep my HUSBAND off of his feet and soon I’ll have a job and car.  The thought of Kenny being with someone else romantically or sexually is killing me.  Even though I’m pretty sure he’s been having an affair as early as the top of the year.  I’m afraid that he’ll find someone better.  I’m not satisfied unless I can have him.  I don’t see myself with anyone else.

Kenny, I will always love you.