Friday, October 1, 2010

who's keith THINKING ABOUT?

MEET KENNY



This is Kenny (not his real name).  I met him in June of 2009 on craigslist.  I was up one late night looking for a bootycall and he responded to my ad.  So he came by my house, we had sex about three times, and have been inseperable ever since (until now). 

A little bit about Kenny.  He's 33 (his birthdate is exactly 10 years and 5 days from my birthdate).  HIV+. War Veteran.  Adpoted father.  Animal lover- especially dogs.  And most importantly- my HUSBAND (but he doesn't know it yet).

We fell hard for each other so fast.  He moved in with me shortly thereafter.  To be honest, I really don’t know why I even gave him a chance.  He’s average, at best.  Overweight.   Missing/yellow teeth.  Unintelligent.  Smelly.  But, when you fall, you fall.  And even with all of his flaws, I am in love with him. 
To make a long story short, our relationship began to deteriorate early this year.  After several fights and arguments, I think he just checked out.  We no longer did anything together like we used to.  He would rather go out with his friends than spend time with me. 
Now, when it comes to the breakup, I truly believe that I am to blame.  He has done so much for me.  From feeding me when I didn’t have any money to clothing me when I didn’t have any money.  I think you’re catching on.  I DIDN’T HAVE ANY MONEY.  This past year has been tough for me financially and emotionally.  I was collecting unemployment and I was prostituting to help make ends meet.  Shortly after establishing our romantic relationship, I gave up prostitution.  So essentially, I couldn’t pay my bills.  My credit card bills fell behind.  I couldn’t afford my car note or car insurance.  Kenny helped me a lot, but most importantly, I didn’t help myself.  Did I look for a job?  Not really.
Kenny is the least judge-mental person I have ever met.  Even with all of my baggage, he still loved me and didn’t look at me any different.  I would soon find out it was only because he had heavy bags of his own. 
Around April, I was doing some snooping.  I’m a big snooper.  I'm working on it.  I think I get it from my mother.  She is extremely nosy.  I was going through his book bag and I stumbled upon a letter from his doctor.  It turned out that Kenny was positive for HIV.  When I first read the doctor’s referral, I began to shake uncontrollably as I do when I get nervous.  I couldn’t believe it.  He never once told me he was positive.  Even during the beginning of our relationship, we had several conversations about STD’s.  He said he only ever had one STD and it was during his youth.  I believe he said he contracted crabs.  He lied.  The worst part is that we were having unprotected sex since day one.  I loved it when he would cum in my ass, but I thought he was clean. 
How could he?  He says he thought I was positive, but I’ve never tested positive.  In fact, I’ve only been tested once and that was about five years ago.  He assumed that since I was in a prior relationship with Lance Coadie Williams (google him) who is also positive that I had contracted it.  And I’m not saying that I wasn’t.  I’ve had my share of unprotected sex.  The statistics are alarming.  One in five gay/bisexual men and one in two black gay/bisexual men are infected with the virus.  However, the difference is that he knew he was positive and didn’t inform me, which is a crime in the state of Maryland.  I don’t fully put the blame on him.  I chose to participate in unprotected sex with him.  However, this situation lets me know what kind of person he really is.
So, I became mad.  I began to poison his dogs.  I fed them onions and pain killers.  (And let me just say that it didn’t work.  The dogs are okay.)  I also began to throw away his clothes and shoes.  I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me. 
He claims his family knows that he is living with HIV, however I don’t believe him.  He says he has been living with the disease since 2001 and his condition won’t get any worse unless he acquires a super-infection.  Again, I don’t believe him.  He also claims that he told me that he was positive.  Again, another lie.  I’ve come to realize that he is as big a liar as I am. 
So, am I positive?  I don’t know.  I’m too afraid to get tested.  I have no health insurance.  If and when I find out the bad news, how can I seek treatment?   I can’t afford it.  I don’t care for my life anymore.  Even after finding out his HIV status I continued to have unprotected sex with him.  I just assume that I am a statistic now.  Why use protection now?  Nut in my ass and my mouth turns me on.  It’s what I want.  I fantasize about it when I masturbate.  Why not kill myself slowly while having fun? 
I’ve contemplated suicide so many times, yet I haven’t had the guts to do it.  The only thing keeping me off the edge is Kenny.  I love him with all my heart, even with all of this drama.  I’ve realized that I’ve hurt him just as much as he hurt me and that I’ve hurt myself just as much as he hurt me. 
So, where does that leave us?  Kenny and I are no longer together.  I can’t believe with all that we’ve been through, we are no longer an item.  The only thing that keeps me going is hope for that day that he’ll take me back.  He doesn’t even want to take my phone calls anymore.  He wants to move on but I won’t let him.  Call me selfish.   I don’t care.  It’s the truth.  He’s living with his sister and I’m living back home with my mother.  (That’s another story for another time.)  He says that he doesn’t really want to hear from me until I get a job or enroll in school.  I no longer spark his interest.  He doesn’t care for me anymore. 
So, I’m working on getting a job.  I’m still unemployed, however, I’m working harder more now than ever to seek employment.  Soon, I’ll be able to sweep my HUSBAND off of his feet and soon I’ll have a job and car.  The thought of Kenny being with someone else romantically or sexually is killing me.  Even though I’m pretty sure he’s been having an affair as early as the top of the year.  I’m afraid that he’ll find someone better.  I’m not satisfied unless I can have him.  I don’t see myself with anyone else.



Kenny, I will always love you.


No comments:

Post a Comment