Where do I start? So much has gone on today. Well, not really. It just feels like it. My day started at around 10:00 AM. My mother, grandmother, and I worked on one of my mother's new homes. We're basically flipping the house. She purchased the home at a great deal and is currently renovating it with plans to sell the home and make profit. We finished our work for today at around 03:30 PM. At about 05:30 PM, my mother and grandmother went off to an evening church service and I was instructed to drive a couple of the carpenters working on the house back to their home. Since, I had the truck, I decided to do a little shopping. I went to the dollar store and Target. And I've been a bad, bad boy.
I shoplifted a couple items from Target. I know, I know, it's wrong. I feel bad but I really wanted these products. I took the Olay Definity Eye Illuminator and the Loreal True Match concealer. Hopefully, this doesn't become a habit.
When I got home I checked my cell phone to see if I had any missed calls. (Not that anyone is calling me, but hopefully some store managers to set up a job interview.) Apparently Kenny called at 05:27 PM. At 08:02 PM, I sent him a text. Hey, how's it going? He then texted back with Well u just ran cross my mind, thought I wood say hi... {Pause} Yeah, kind of pitiful. So pitiful that I didn't even text back. I can't believe he sent me a pity-text or better yet made a pity-call. I wish he would just flat out say that he misses me. Or does he really not miss me? He only says that he loves or misses me when he wants some of my cookies. And I try to keep them in the jar, but he always knows just what to do to open the lid. Well, with his rap sheet, he's had enough practice.
I've come to realize that Kenny has a problem with vulnerability. He doesn't want to let his guard down and share his true feelings because he's afraid of getting hurt. It's pretty obvious that Kenny is a hurt, lost soul and he's been hurt several times in his lifetime. However, I wish he would tear down that wall of pain and communicate. In order to figure out what's really on Kenny's mind, I have to read his actions. So I have to look on the bright side. At least he tried to call and at least he's thinking of me.
I think the bigger problem is that Kenny doesn't attempt to make me feel special. I mean, during our relationship, I would always do little things to make him feel special and wanted. I would tell him that he looked good, even though most of the time I was lying. I would ignore his smelly body odor and oral hygeine as to not hurt his feelings. I would even always shower him with hugs and kisses to let him know that I cared for him. Now, I'm not doubting Kenny's love for me, but he really didn't do a good job at making me feel wanted. He's too proud to even stroke my ego just a little bit. I mean, that's all I wanted. He rarely gave me any compliments. And the compliments he did give me were drowned by the things he would say to make fun of me. He would say I love you but with great hesitation as if I had to drill the words out of him. He wouldn't even make me feel special during sex. I mean, he would like to quickly bend me over the bed and fuck me with my face down and ass up and that would be all. He rarely made an attempt to please me without me having to ask him.
Now, I'm making no attempt to put Kenny down, however I'm just sharing my true feelings. And I need to feel special. Maybe Kenny made me feel special in his own way. It's possible, but either way it's not enough if I have any doubts. On the other hand he did wine and dine me, took me shopping, showed me new places. Am I tripping? At the end of the day, I just hope I wasn't a moment in time for him. He's had several boyfriends and I doubt that I'm any more special than any of them. Well, that's enough sulking for today. Until next time...
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