what's keith BUYING?

I was just sitting on my bed looking at beauty blogs, when I remembered that it was Tuesday.  And you know what happens on Tuesday?  New music releases.  So, I logged into the iTunes music store and you wouldn't believe who I came across...

Fefe Dobson's new CD.  Now I know what you're going to say.  You didn't know she was releasing a new CD.  Well, me neither, so imagine my surprise when I saw the CD posted with the new releases.  As you can tell, her CD is called Joy, named after track 13 on the album.

As excited as I am about her new release, I'm not going to recommend that anyone buy this album.  I love her.  I really do, but it's just not worth it.  I will, however, tell you to run you're little ass over to iTunes and buy tracks 2 through 6, NOW.  So what are you waiting for?  I'm serious.

Anyway, now that you've done what I've told you, I can GO IN on this CD.  The first half of this CD is stellar.  I mean, it's new age pop rock.  I'm loving it, however, the second half of the album sounds like she's beating pots and pans in her mother's kitchen.  Fefe, are you serious?  Textbook album filler, if you ask me.  It's already bad enough that no one is even going to buy your album because none of your songs have even cracked into any sort of music chart.  Girl, you would've done better if you released an EP showcasing your hottest songs.  And for those of you who don't know, Fefe used to be hot shit seven years ago, until she fell off the pop charts and ultimately fell to her death.  I even remember listening to her songs and watching her music videos on MTV when I was in high school.  I don't know why she's deciding to come out now, but bitch, it's about time!  I would have to say the highlight of the CD is track 5, Can't Breathe.  And she shares that song with Orianthi.  Fefe, come harder next time.  Don't worry though, I'm still a fan.

Another song I purchased and really enjoy is "The Best One Yet (The Boy)" from the Black Eyed Peas's album The Beginning.

On to other news...  Did anyone watch the 2010 Rockerfeller Christmas Tree Lighting special?  Didn't think so.  But I know you caught the 2010 Victoria Secret Fashion Show.  Spectacular, as always.  The highlight of the show was watching Chanel Iman get her Angel wings.  I think that Chanel Iman and Alessandra Ambrosio are two of the most beautiful women in the world. 



what's keith THANKFUL FOR?

And finally, I'm thankful for my past, present, and future.  The past was great, however the present isn't as good to me at the moment.  But look on the bright side. things can't get much worse.  Well, who am I kidding?  Things really could be worse, yet I won't complain.  My future looks bright and it's a blessing to be young.  I have plenty of time to catch up.  I just pray that I get a job soon.  I need something to do with myself.  An idle mind is the devil's workshop.  So true.

what's keith USING?

A new product that is currently a staple in my skin care regime would be Vaseline's Sheer Infusion body lotion.  It's my new favorite body lotion.  This lotion is special because it contains a patented stratys-3 complex that infuses and delivers moisture at each layer of the skin- the top, the core, and deep down.  It's definitely a must-have for the cold and dry winter months.  And the best thing about it is that it doesn't leave a greasy residue on my skin like most moisturizers.  There's nothing more unsexy than dry and ashy skin.  Don't you agree?

what's keith THANKFUL FOR?

I'm thankful for my intelligence and overall sanity.  I might make some crazy decisions, but through it all I'm still fully aware of what I'm doing.  I consider myself highly intelligent compared to a lot of these baltimorons.  I'm no genius by any feat but I did very well in school.

what's keith USING?

Yeah, it's nothing special.  Just deodorant.  I've been using this product since I've reached adolescence.  It's the only deodorant/ antiperspirant that I use.  I decided to feature this product because it's the only product that I have consistently used for over a decade.  Oh, and I only buy the invisible stick in cool rush, just so you know.

who's keith OFFICIALLY OVER?

I can say that I am officially over this guy. 

His name is Lance Coadie Williams.  He is a recovering drug addict who has Aids. His occupation is acting.  If you search his name on google, you can take a look at some of his past projects.  Anyhow, he was working as a waiter when I met him.

Lance Coadie Williams, I would have to say, was the first boyfriend that truly hurt me.  He failed to inform me of his HIV status even after having unprotected sex.  He would hide his prescribed antiviral drugs, so that I had no idea he had Aids.  Looking back on this relationship, I really have no idea why I was dating him.  I met him shortly after I was let go from my position with Bank of America and I was bored and lonely.  I would have to say that he wasn't my type, but after spending a lot of time with him, I fell in love. 

So, how did I find out about his HIV status?  Like always, I did some snooping in his apartment, while he was away at work.  I stumbled upon his Narcotics Anonymous diary as well as prescription receipts and they basically confirmed the inevitable.  Honestly, I think the bad part of the situation is not that he had Aids, but rather the lies and deceit.  You see, he knew he was positive, however he failed to mention his status before having unprotected sex which is a felony in the state of Pennsylvania, the state he was residing in at the time.

Even after I found out about his illness, I stayed with him and engaged in the same risky behavior.  We continued to have unprotected sex.  It's possible that Lance infected me with not only HIV but herpes.  He was taking drugs for both ailments.  I'm not exactly sure because I have neglected to get tested, but I think I have both viruses.  In fact, more often than not, you generally have both at the same time due to effect both viruses have on your immune system.  And to add more injury, after dealing with Kenny, I probably have a super-infection.  I know, FML.

Now I won't say that I was the only one harmed in my relationship with Lance.  After finding out about his status, I tried to expose him.  I would set up bogus adam4adam profile accounts using his picture and detailing his medical misfortunes.  I know I'm evil, but I wanted to hurt him just as bad as he hurt me.  I knew he didn't want to be exposed, yet I did it anyway.  Even today, I still have several pictures of him as well as his personal information.  I thought about exposing him even more, but I'm just going to let it go. 

After this post, I will no longer mention Lance Coadie Williams.  I forgive him.  I know that hurt people only hurt people.  And trust me when I say that Lance is definitely a hurt and lost soul.  Considering what he's been through, I can't say that I blame him.  Now, just because I forgive Lance, doesn't mean that I accept what he's done.  I still don't ever want to see him again.  And if I do see him again, trust me, I won't be speaking to him.  He will just be a chapter in my book.

Now, I'm still working on forgiving Kenny.  I'm not really there yet, but I'm sure I'll get there.

  Here's more pictures of Lance Coadie Williams.

So, in an effort to no longer cause harm, I will delete these pictures and his personal information from my computer.  I can't grow as a person, if I can't learn to forgive and let go.  And I officially forgive Lance Coadie Williams.

what's keith THANKFUL FOR?

I'm thankful for my dog, Lexi.  She's outside barking at the mail man as I type.  While it's a pain waking up early every morning to let her out to handle her business, I love her all the more.  She's a black cocker spaniel and almost ten years old.  And I hate to say it but she'll probably croak any day now.  I believe she's partially blind and deaf yet we really don't know for sure.  I do know that she can't see or hear like she used to.  I'm sure that just comes with her old age.  Lexi is probably the only dog I'll ever have.  Dogs are definitely an inconvenience at times but I won't complain.  She's a joy to have around.



what's keith THANKFUL FOR?

I guess I'm thankful for the MTA.  While I dread having to catch the bus, It is currently my only mode of transportation.  So, I should be thankful.  It just kind of sucks because I have owned 3 cars and now I'm back to catching the bus.  I sort of get depressed when I think about it.  Talk about taking a few steps back.  I'm back to where I was 5 years ago.  I have to say that time really does pass you by.  Every year gets shorter as I get older. 

what's keith WATCHING?

Yay!  I found another one of the kids.  He is hilarious.  He gives me life. 

what's keith INSECURE ABOUT?

Today, I'm challenging myself to open up more and reveal something about myself that I haven't discussed with anyone.  They are my insecurities.  I'm a bit hesitant because I feel that everyone should be private about his insecurities.  I find that once one reveals his insecurities that's all anyone notices about him, but I'll share anyway.  Maybe by sharing my insecurities, I'll release its hold on my life.  Now I do understand that everyone is insecure.  It's a part of life.  I realize that now that I'm much older.  I thought that once I became of age, my insecurities would go out the window.  Yet, I find you still face them day to day.

Where do I start?  Well, when I was in grade school, I was insecure about my voice and sexuality.  I was always teased for having a feminine voice.  Even today, Kenny says that I sometimes sound like a white girl.  And when I talk with customer service agents on the phone, sometimes they confuse me for a girl.  However, I can honestly say that I'm no longer insecure about my voice.  It took some time but I've learned to live with it.  Many of my boyfriends and clients loved my voice and I've learned to love it too.  Although, back in grade school, I was so insecure about it that I barely spoke in class.  Things are a lot different now. 

My sexuality was another issue in itself when I was growing up.  I have always been called gay, fag....... the list goes on.   I never truly made friends growing up because I never felt that I could be myself.  I never felt that I could confide in anyone.  I actually wished that I would have attended the school for the arts back in high school so that I would've been around people just like me.  However, again, today things are different.  I'm proud of my sexuality.   I wouldn't have it any other way.  Gay is in.

But now I ask, what am I insecure about today?  And today, I'm insecure about my future in life, love and relationships.  I'm pretty sure that I am HIV-positive.  I have no doubts about that.  Yet, I'm too afraid to get tested.  I'm also afraid that I won't be alive to see my thirties.  I highly believe that I will die of Aids sometime in the span of the next seven to ten years.  I know that by not seeking treatment, I am shortening my life span. I'm too ashamed and embarrassed to seek treatment and I have no health insurance.  I'm now a statistic living with this incurable disease.  I never thought I would see the day.  Yet, it's my reality.

Loneliness is another insecurity that I live with day to day.  I have no friends and no one I can confide in.  I don't trust my family with my delicate feelings so I keep them bottled up.  In many ways, I look at this blog as my best friend.  It's therapy for me.  Anyhow, I'm also afraid of love.  I mean, my last two boyfriends hurt me so bad that I don't know if I can ever really deal with another relationship.  And, who wants to be with someone dying of Aids?  I acknowledge that I'm very bitter.  Bitter at the world.  But, there's always hope.  It doesn't cost a thing to smile.

Now that I've acknowledged my insecurities, I can look them in the face.  They won't hold me down.  I will be happy, content, and secure one day.  Life is a journey.  And as long as I'm still breathing I'll keep hoping and praying for better days.  I'll win this game called LIFE.  Just wait and see.