what's keith INSECURE ABOUT?

Today, I'm challenging myself to open up more and reveal something about myself that I haven't discussed with anyone.  They are my insecurities.  I'm a bit hesitant because I feel that everyone should be private about his insecurities.  I find that once one reveals his insecurities that's all anyone notices about him, but I'll share anyway.  Maybe by sharing my insecurities, I'll release its hold on my life.  Now I do understand that everyone is insecure.  It's a part of life.  I realize that now that I'm much older.  I thought that once I became of age, my insecurities would go out the window.  Yet, I find you still face them day to day.

Where do I start?  Well, when I was in grade school, I was insecure about my voice and sexuality.  I was always teased for having a feminine voice.  Even today, Kenny says that I sometimes sound like a white girl.  And when I talk with customer service agents on the phone, sometimes they confuse me for a girl.  However, I can honestly say that I'm no longer insecure about my voice.  It took some time but I've learned to live with it.  Many of my boyfriends and clients loved my voice and I've learned to love it too.  Although, back in grade school, I was so insecure about it that I barely spoke in class.  Things are a lot different now. 

My sexuality was another issue in itself when I was growing up.  I have always been called gay, fag....... the list goes on.   I never truly made friends growing up because I never felt that I could be myself.  I never felt that I could confide in anyone.  I actually wished that I would have attended the school for the arts back in high school so that I would've been around people just like me.  However, again, today things are different.  I'm proud of my sexuality.   I wouldn't have it any other way.  Gay is in.

But now I ask, what am I insecure about today?  And today, I'm insecure about my future in life, love and relationships.  I'm pretty sure that I am HIV-positive.  I have no doubts about that.  Yet, I'm too afraid to get tested.  I'm also afraid that I won't be alive to see my thirties.  I highly believe that I will die of Aids sometime in the span of the next seven to ten years.  I know that by not seeking treatment, I am shortening my life span. I'm too ashamed and embarrassed to seek treatment and I have no health insurance.  I'm now a statistic living with this incurable disease.  I never thought I would see the day.  Yet, it's my reality.

Loneliness is another insecurity that I live with day to day.  I have no friends and no one I can confide in.  I don't trust my family with my delicate feelings so I keep them bottled up.  In many ways, I look at this blog as my best friend.  It's therapy for me.  Anyhow, I'm also afraid of love.  I mean, my last two boyfriends hurt me so bad that I don't know if I can ever really deal with another relationship.  And, who wants to be with someone dying of Aids?  I acknowledge that I'm very bitter.  Bitter at the world.  But, there's always hope.  It doesn't cost a thing to smile.

Now that I've acknowledged my insecurities, I can look them in the face.  They won't hold me down.  I will be happy, content, and secure one day.  Life is a journey.  And as long as I'm still breathing I'll keep hoping and praying for better days.  I'll win this game called LIFE.  Just wait and see.